


The 549th Loop

by Akumeoi



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Fluffy Ending, M/M, Melodrama, how the heck do i describe this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 00:33:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7130891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akumeoi/pseuds/Akumeoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaworu tells Shinji he's an angel. It does not go well. (Spoiler alert: Shinji tries to stab him)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The 549th Loop

It was the 549th loop, and Kaworu was out of ideas. He had figured out how to maximize the time spent with Shinji, to a whole year (what ridiculous luxury!). He had figured out how to get Rei, Misato, Asuka, Kaji, and Pen Pen to like him. How to get Asuka out of her coma. How to keep Kaji from getting himself killed. He’d made it to 2nd base on Shinji a total of 62 times, not that that was really a priority. What was far more important was that he’d seen Shinji cry a total of 683 times, and die twice. 

But he was still not convinced that he had even once brought Shinji true happiness. And, again, he was out of ideas. 

It was too late in this life to try any fancy tricks or subtle machinations, but Kaworu refused to let one single life to go waste. That would be a terrible betrayal of Shinji, which Kaworu could not possibly allow. So, he had to try something new. And for that, there was only one thing he could think of. 

He was going to confess. 

Confess what? 

That he was an angel. 

How unthinkable it was to reveal to Shinji his true nature. Never before had Shinji learned that Kaworu was an angel from Kaworu’s own lips. It was always from Misato, Dr. Akagi, in rare instances Rei, or in the worst case, from Gendo. And Shinji’s reaction was always the same. Anger. Fear. Betrayal. Despair. Things that destroyed all of Kaworu’s hard work in seconds, and usually his pitiful, meaningless life along with it. 

Kaworu did not want to go through with this plan, but there were no other options.

***

After Eva testing that day, Shinji and Kaworu showered in the NERV locker rooms, then went home to Kaworu’s apartment, as was their custom. 

Shinji made dinner. Kaworu had long ago discovered that not only was Shinji a better cook than him, but he seemed to actually enjoy it. If there was one thing Kaworu would never do, it was deny Shinji something that made him happy. While Shinji worked, Kaworu sat at the kitchen table and watched him, listened to him bang pots and pans and occasionally comment on something he was doing or something that had happened during the day. It was such a pleasure to be with Shinji like this, so calm and domestic and simple, with a note of assurance in Shinji’s voice and the smells of good food wafting through the kitchen. If only there were some music to accompany this, Kaworu would have been practically in Lilim heaven. One of these lives, he really needed to get a record player. 

But the peace was not fated to last. Near the end of dinner, Shinji said, “Kaworu-kun, what’s wrong? You’ve been quiet all day.”

Kaworu could not bring himself to outright lie. “There’s something I need to talk to you about. I believe you will consider it to be serious,” he said. 

Shinji looked nervous. 

“Did something happen?” he asked hesitantly, looking at Kaworu with large, worried, but trusting blue eyes. How many people had ever seen Shinji look at them with such trust? Kaworu wondered, and could have kicked himself for what he was about to do. 

“No, everything is the way Lilith intended,” he said solemnly. And it was true. But just because his angelic kin intended things to be a certain way, it didn’t mean Kaworu had to like them. 

Now that his plate was empty, Shinji laid his chopsticks neatly down, not looking very reassured. 

“Then… what is it?”

Kaworu, who wasn’t feeling very hungry anymore, copied Shinji’s motions. He took a breath, then turned his chair around so he was facing Shinji not head on, but at a ninety degree angle. 

“Shinji-kun, do you remember that I once said I love you?”

Alarm jumped across Shinji’s face, but he nodded. 

“Don’t worry. It’s still true. I love you,” Kaworu said, smiling gently. “But deeply regret to say that I am not the person you think I am.”

For the first time, Kaworu’s gaze dropped from Shinji’s face. 

“What are you saying?” Shinji said, confused. 

Kaworu mustered his courage and looked Shinji straight in the eyes, praying Shinji would listen with his heart and not just with his ears. 

“I am the 17th Angel. I was put into a human body by NERV, in a manner similar to the creation of Ayanami-san. My name is Tabris, the Angel of Free Will.”

Shinji jumped up so violently that he turned his chair over, and it landed on the floor with a loud and angry clatter. 

“You can’t be! I won’t believe it. It’s lies! You’re human – you have to be!” Shinji yelled. 

Kaworu squeezed his eyes shut in pain for the briefest of moments. First comes denial…

“Would you like me to prove it?” he said, knowing that there was no going back now. Shinji said nothing, staring at him wide-eyed, his fists clenched. His face was very pale. 

Kaworu stood up on his chair, causing Shinji to stumbled backwards, letting out a startled exclamation. 

“Ka –!” 

And then, Kaworu stepped off the chair, activated his A.T. field, and hung in the air. Slowly and deliberately, he floated down until he was hovering a scant inch from the kitchen floor. 

Shinji gasped. There was a momentary pause, during which Kaworu felt as if his heart might beat itself out of his chest, because he could just see Shinji making up his mind. Trust Kaworu – or hate him. Everything was unreal: Shinji staring at him, an expression of horror, anger, and fear on his face, the dirty plates at the table and cooking utensils piled around the sink, the light in the centre of the room flickering ever so slightly. 

Then Kaworu’s sneakers touched the ground again, and the spell was broken. 

“An angel,” Shinji spat. “You can’t be – why did you – Why? Why have you come here? What do you want from me?”

Kaworu swallowed. He didn’t have a core, but the cold lump growing in his stomach might just turn out to be one. It sure was big enough. 

“That’s just how it is. As Lilith intended,” Kaworu said, and this time his voice was bitter. “I know. I’m supposed to be your enemy.”

“I’ll kill you,” Shinji said without hesitation. “I’ll do it, I swear! Unless you stop it – stop this right now!” Pounding both fists in the air, he shook his head, then put both hands over his ears. Both they and his face were now flushed red with anger.

“You usually do kill me,” Kaworu admitted. He had died by Shinji’s hand many times now. 399 times, to be exact. “But please, Shinji-kun, listen to me,” he pleaded. “I do not wish to fight you. I only want to be your friend.” 

Kaworu wished he could reach out and take Shinji’s hands and say _it’s alright, it’s alright…_

But it wasn’t. Kaworu was a member of the race Shinji associated with death and destruction, and there was nothing they could do to change that. 

“No! If you’re an angel, I can’t trust you!” Shinji snapped. And then he picked up one of the knives he had been using to prepare dinner. 

A santoku, six inches long, razor sharp. Classy. Kaworu swallowed. 

Shinji looked much less confused and much more angry now that he had a knife in his hand. Kaworu looked at it wearily. He had been crushed, decapitated, and strangled before, but never stabbed to death. 

Slowly, Kaworu sat back down on his chair. “It’s okay if you kill me,” he said. And it was, because he had been expecting this – right? Why did he feel so cold? 

Must be a human thing.

“I won’t fight you. Just do it.”

And with that, he lowered his A.T. field completely. 

Shinji stepped forward, over the chair on the floor, and stopped in front of Kaworu. Their eyes locked for a moment, but then Kaworu tilted his head back to expose his throat. He closed his eyes. 

_How beautiful his eyes are, when they’re burning like that_ , Kaworu thought. Though his eyes were closed, he could sense Shinji's hand hovering over his neck, hear Shinji's ragged, desperate breathing. Kaworu’s whole body was shaking from the tension, but he forced himself not to reactivate his A.T. field, not to leap out of his chair and fly away. But still Shinji did not move.

“Shinji-kun, please,” he said in a low voice, not knowing if he was begging to die, or begging to live.

Then Shinji moved. Kaworu flinched horribly, but it was not cold steel he felt touch his skin. It was a soft, gentle press of lips. The knife dropped onto the table behind them with a clatter. Every bone in Kaworu's body went limp, and he sagged with relief in his chair. Slowly, he opened his eyes.

“Kaworu-kun, I won’t kill you,” Shinji said quietly, his fists clenched. Lifting his head, Kaworu looked at Shinji, and found fear and disgust in his face. But also, calm resolution. 

“But you must. If not now, later,” Kaworu said, though his head was spinning too much for him to explain why. 

“I don’t care. You may be an angel, but you look human to me.”

Shinji’s eyes flicked to Kaworu’s neck, and then down to his empty hands. “And, you’re the only person who’s ever loved me before. I know you're dangerous, but I – I believe you about that.”

Again Shinji’s eyes flicked up as he spoke, but this time they met Kaworu’s. They said, _Please give me a reason to trust you again. Please give me back my hope._

“Shinji-kun, may I attempt to explain?” Kaworu asked. 

“Explain?”

Kaworu nodded. “I wish to remedy your lack of trust in me, if I can.”

“I’m sorry,” Shinji said, as if this were somehow his fault. There was no reason for Shinji to apologise for his completely understandable reaction to a shocking secret, but here he was, apologising anyway. Even in the worst of times, Shinji was always compassionate, even to people who didn’t even deserve it. Kaworu knew this, but whenever Shinji’s kindness was directed at him, he had difficulty understanding or accepting such a momentous gift. 

“Shinji-kun, I’ve met you now in many different timelines,” he said, starting to explain. “In each one, I try to give you the happiness I know you wished for. But each time so far, I have failed. The Third Impact occurs, and I am usually fated to die before it takes place, though you survive. Then I am reborn into a new timeline, where you are just as distressed as you were before, and I must begin all over again. It is I who should be sorry.”

“Kaworu-kun –” Shinji said, and stopped. For a moment, it seemed like he wasn’t sure what to say. He righted Kaworu’s fallen chair, and Kaworu obligingly sat down, waiting.

Finally, Shinji spoke. “Kaworu-kun, you do bring me happiness. Those other versions of me are very lucky to have a friend like you. _I’m_ lucky to have a friend like you.”

Kaworu shook his head. “But it never lasts. Sooner or later, you lose faith in me. And then I die.”

“But that's my fault, isn't it,” Shinji mumbled. Kaworu opened his mouth to speak, to say no, but Shinji put his hand on Kaworu’s shoulder. “But what about you? Aren’t you ever happy?”

“Of course I am,” Kaworu said, as if it were obvious. And between all the times he was dying over and over again, it was true. “Whenever I am graced with your presence, the happiness I feel is indescribably immense.”

Blushing, Shinji looked down at his feet, and Kaworu had to work to hide his smile. This day had been tiring, so very tiring, but here, finally, was a small measure of peace. He was still alive, and Shinji did not hate him. On days like this, facts like that were true blessings. 

“Thank you,” Shinji said quietly. “I don’t deserve it, but thank you for trying anyway.”

The loops, Kaworu realised, had broken him down just as real life slowly broke Shinji’s spirit. And the only thing which made it better for either of them was each other. That was why he did this again and again. Moments like this, where both of them struggled to bare their hearts, and made messes but patched each other up again, that was what Kaworu was really living for. 

He opened his eyes to find Shinji had sat down across from him again. Shinji’s face was awfully close to his, and he flinched backwards in surprise when he saw Kaworu looking at him again. Kaworu caught Shinji’s face with one hand and drew Shinji towards him. 

“Of course you deserve it,” Kaworu said. 

Even though Shinji was already perched on the edge of his chair, Kaworu pulled him even closer, until Shinji found himself sitting in Kaworu’s lap. The chair behind him fell to the floor for the second time that day. 

As Shinji slipped one hand behind Kaworu’s head and placed the other one on his waist, Kaworu pulled him forward and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really satisfied with this one because I think it's too melodramatic. But it's been sitting in my drafts folder for too long, and it seems a waste not to post it.
> 
> COMMENTS ALWAYS WELCOME. Will reply to any comment upon request! (And sometimes without request :)


End file.
